Cannibals!

By Alan Burkhart

Okay, I am fully aware that the country is in a crisis. The economy is a train wreck, we have a shameless Marxist for a President, and arguably the most inept Congress in our nation's history. I write about this stuff twice a month. I try to do my part. But right now I need a break from politics before my head just explodes. Admit it: You do, too. So at great risk to my own credibility I offer what might be my all-time most pointless bit of writing.

A good friend of mine called me a few days ago wanting me to help him find a particularly obscure movie. He didn't remember the name of the flick. He didn't remember any of the cast. But for some reason he wanted to see if he could lay hands on a copy. It was a B-grade horror flick that involved cannibals, and the story evidently takes place in Colonial America. We never found it at Internet Movie Database (imdb.com), so if you happen to be familiar with it, do drop me a line.

What we did find, and spent a half hour chuckling over, was an abundance of truly bizarre and funny movie titles involving cannibalism. Here are the best (worst?) of the bunch for your... consumption:

• "Dr. Butcher M.D." (1980)
• "Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals" (1977
• "Eaten Alive by the Cannibals!" (1980)
• "Cannibal Apocalypse" (1980)
• "Life Among the Cannibals" (1996)
• "Planet of the Cannibals" (2001)
• "Kung Fu Cannibals" (1980)
• "Hillside Cannibals" (2006)
• "Catwalk Cannibals" (2002)
• "Shocking Cannibals" (1975)
• "Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals" (1978)
• "Alice Cans the Cannibals" (1925)
• "Feed Them to the Cannibals!" (1993)
• "Summer Cannibals" (1996)
• "National Geographic: Are We Cannibals" (2004) (TV)
• "Shipwrecked Among Cannibals" (1920)
• "Shorty Among the Cannibals" (1915)
• "The Cannibal's Liver" (2007)
• "Cannibal Hookers" (1987)
• "Cannibal Girls" (1973)
• "Cannibal Capers" (1930)
• "Cannibal Rollerbabes" (1997)
• "Satan's Cannibal Holocaust" (2007)
• "The Long Island Cannibal Massacre" (1980)
• "Bloodthirsty Cannibal Demons" (1993)
• "Cannibal Cheerleader Camp" (2008)
• "Interview with a Cannibal" (2007)
• "Camels to Cannibal" (1927)
• "Cannibal Cult" (1999)
• "Cannibal Doctor" (1999)
• "Cannibal Jane" (2007)
• "Cannibal Lovers" (2008)
• "His Cannibal Wife" (1917)
• "The Adventures of Willie Woodbine and Lightning Larry -- A Joyride to the Cannibal Islands" (1915)
• "Cannibal Sisters" (2006)
• "The Brothers Cannibal" (2010)
• "The Cannibal Twins" (2009)
• "The Captivatin' Cannibal" (1924)
• "The Nutzoids at Cannibal Cove" (1989)

I saved my favorite four titles for last:

• "Curse of the Confederate Cannibals" (1982)
• "Cannibal Hillbillies" (2003)
• "Lieutenant Pimple, King of Cannibal Islands" (1914)
• "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death" (1989)

And there you have it: Proof that there are some sick individuals in the movie business. But who am I to judge? I did after all laugh my ass off for twenty minutes over this stuff.

Later y’all!

Alan